Rantings of a Grumpy Old Woman

" All of these lines across my face Tell you the story of who I am So many stories of where I've been And how I got to where I am" I've talked about age a few times on here, as its obviously something that had weighed on my mind in recent years. I was having a difficult time in life, coming to terms with the fact that I'm getting older. However, there is no denying that it's happening. It's going to happen to everyone. Circle of life.... your time will come. I have lines around my eyes....because I smiled and laughed a lot. I have my "what the fuck" lines between my eyes, because of people like you, gentle reader. The ones that make me stop and think "what the hell is the matter with you". I have lines around my mouth because I never stop talking, and I had a disgusting habit of smoking for 20 plus years. My hair is graying around the edges, letting everyone around me know that I'm getting on in my years. My skin is startin...

I probably should take it as flattery. I never really fancied myself as super interesting. I sporadically fill up these pages with my random thoughts and never think twice about it. I think so little about it in fact, that it's been over two years since I've posted anything. It's a weird feeling knowing that someone may actively seek out information about you and this is what they get. These odd, not to mention old, ramblings are not a genuine reflection of the person I am. It's disheartening to know that someone has made broad and sweeping assumptions about your history, past, and marriage based off of one heartfelt post that you made years prior. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you ever feel like a failure? Like nothing that you do is good enough? That nothing is going as it is supposed to? As it's planned? I know, I know, I sound like a surly and emotional teenager right now, but hey, I'm going through a mid-life crisis, so I have a pass. I turn 40 in 3 months. FORTY. I feel as though I have accomplished some of my goals, but I am lacking in so many others. I feel as though I'm not as successful as I want to be in my career. Granted, I am still relatively new at what I am doing, but I'm here... and the term "Fake it until you make it", has become my mantra. Except I don't want to fake it. I want to do. I want to be the best at this. I didn't realize how mentally taxing it is to listen to others and talk people through traumatic events. I am physically and emotionally drained by the time I leave every day. I'm nervous about school and practicum and my schedule. I already work full time, and now I'm going to h...

What to say, what to say. There have been so many dips and turns on this roller coaster that I don't even know where to begin. In the last 5 months... I became a grandmother... for a few weeks. My child was unexpectedly with child. There were so many ups and downs with the pregnancy, but one thing stayed the same, which was my excitement and joy over being able to welcome a new baby into our family. There were complications along the way, which resulted in ER visits. One visit clearly showed 2 sacs, so 2 babies! Next ultrasound showed just 1 baby developing with good size and healthy heartbeat. After that, there were no babies. The pregnancy ended, and it was the most difficult thing in the world to see my child suffer from heartbreak and loss. She went through surgery and had additional complications, but seems to be out of the woods now. The good news to come out of all of this, is that she is now convinced that she wants to be a mother... something that she swore she would ne...

At this point, I've taken many trips around the sun. I'm not elderly by any means, but I'm aging. Whether or not I'm doing it gracefully is still up for debate. There is a definite pattern here. My friends, friends of friends, my family, people are getting sick. People are meeting with unfortunate accidents. People are passing on. I feel like it's happening so often lately. It's heart wrenching. It takes your breath away. It makes you face your own mortality. Let's face it. I am not a healthy person. Each day, I wake up with a new ache or pain. A new symptom. A new problem. Each day, I wake up with good intentions... that I will ditch all of my horrible habits in favor of a healthier, life-sustaining lifestyle. Each night, I go to bed and realize that I did absolutely nothing to improve the quality of my life and give myself a better chance. I won't go into my unhealthy habits, but let's just say that there are an abundance. I want so badly to ma...

I wish my husband knew how important he is to me. I wish he knew exactly how much I love him. I wish he knew that my heart still skips a beat when he walks through the door. We all know what happens with time. We get comfortable. We find a routine. The day to day responsibilities of career, housework, social life, school, hobbies, bills, and trying to keep children alive, can take over. It's stressful, it's frustrating, it can be downright depressing at times, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love it. What I wish he knew, is that he helped to give me this life. He supports me in my career endeavors. He cheers me on when I want to take a new path in my career or work on improving my current one. He shows interest and enthusiasm when I start a new hobby, or get better at one that I currently have. He cleans up around the house and cooks fabulous meals. He makes sure that our child has attention, knowledge, and love. He never fails to ask me how my day was, or how...