Rantings of a Grumpy Old Woman

     Here I sit, loving my new look, happy with myself, and completely full of shit. I'm throwing some soul baring shit out here y'all. Laying some truth on the line. Those of you closest to me... I'm not fooling anyone. You've known for a while.... I wear my heart on my sleeve. Those that I see sporadically or haven't yet met in person and spent time with, this may or may not be new information. I'm picturing Phoebe from Friends right now... "THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!!!!"      10 months ago, I made the decision to have a life-saving surgery for the ridiculous amounts of weight I had gained. True, we had a pretty crippling miscarriage that I didn't outwardly show grief over... I just ate my feelings. Quite a bit of them. Then I went and got my tubes ties, something... I completely and totally regret. It was also an automatic response... my brain trying to protect me or some crap... not wanting to go through a loss again, etc. Regardless, ho...

     Today marks my 6th official day as an employee of the state. My job title is case worker for the Department of Child Safety... or commonly known, social worker for CPS (child protective services). Regardless of the agency name or what people know it as, my job is to help children and families. Period.      Many people have their preconceived notions regarding what the organization does and its responsibilities. Basically, people think that I am the devil. They believe that I am out to remove their children from them for no reason, for things that are trivial and ridiculous. The fact of the matter is, it's not true. So far, I've come across a wide range of situations consisting of teenage runaways, physical abuse, neglect, addiction, sexual abuse, etc. I haven't had to delve too deep into it, but there are some disturbing things that I've read and seen so far.      Why would anyone want this job then, you ask? To make a difference... ...

     Each year when the clock strikes midnight on December 31, people kiss the ones they love, they sing Auld Lang Syne, and they participate in general debauchery. The liquor flows, the nicotine burns, the eating commences. Basically, every piss poor habit that a person feels that they may have, gets over indulged on this particular day and more than likely the last 30 or so days leading up to it.      New year, new me, right? I'm going to wake up somewhere between 8am and 6pm on January 1st, and I'm going to resolve to change things that I feel are bad. I'm going to drag my ass to the now overcrowded gym daily for about 2 or 3 weeks. Then I'll start finding excuses...I'll eat a few cheeseburgers. Yes, I've done this practically every year since I was old enough to understand I actually had faults (so, about 3 years ago, maybe). Each time, it was something about my health. I was going to quit smoking. I was going to go on a diet. I was going to work out ...

I'm sure my three year old came to that realization tonight and probably thought this sentence in her head. Tonight, we laid here, she cuddled me, and we had a snack and we watched tv. I pointed out things to her, sang songs with her, and we even did a little dance. The past few days, I have been focused entirely on her and my family. See, this weekend, I saw the video that has gone viral and everyone shared. A man with a 5 minute rhyming rant about people and cell phones. Ironically, I watched all five minutes of that video. On my smart phone. Ironic as it may have been, I believe that a lot of that hit home for me. My daughter is three already. Three. She's grown, in the blink of an eye, from a tiny newborn, completely dependent on me, to an independent toddler who fights to do everything herself. Before I realize it, she's going to be off to college and I will have lost my chance to know her, to help her, to teach her. From the time she was born, she has seen me on m...

So I did it.... A few weeks ago, I shakily walked my way across the stage, shook the hand of some old wrinkly rich person, and grabbed a rolled up piece up of paper that represented my degree. My actual degree came in the mail about two weeks later, all fancy in its faux leather case. But now what? I should have done this ten years ago. I shouldn't be thirty five years old, still struggling with the age old question of "what do I want to do with my life?". I honestly have no freaking clue. For years, I had this idea in my head of what I wanted to do, and I tirelessly worked towards that goal. Now, here I am. I've achieved it. Now I sit here and I'm completely and utterly lost. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be a counselor that specializes in addictions and help those who are struggling to make positive life changes in order to be a functioning member of society. For those who may not know, for new friends.... here's a revelation.... I've be...

When I first met my husband, I made sure that I was presentable. I did my best to look as good as I possibly could (or as good as someone covered in tattoos and pink hair could look). I took pride in my appearance, even if it was just lounging around the house. I had very few responsibilities at that point, except for my 14 year old daughter who didn't require much attention. :) Now, I'm a mother to a teenager and a toddler. I work full time. I go to school full time. I have somewhat of a side business. I'm busy. Constantly. I have a routine for when I leave the house in the morning. Many women spend a while to get ready for work or for their day. They care about how they look and want to show the world that they are put together and beautiful. I wake up, and leave the house within 15 minutes in the morning. Having showered and laid out my clothes the night before, I brush my teeth, pull on my clothes and deodorant, grab my lunch, and run out of the door. My hair is hasti...

What I "wanted" was to write some witty, insightful, and moving post today. However, I will not. I don't feel good, I'm exhausted from hearing my toddler wake up crying all night, going to lay with her for a while, and then still hearing the crying off and on. I'm also mentally drained from going as fast as I can to get my powerpoint presentation completed for class today. I just want to go back to bed. That's what I want.