Rantings of a Grumpy Old Woman

Do you ever feel like a failure? Like nothing that you do is good enough? That nothing is going as it is supposed to? As it's planned? I know, I know, I sound like a surly and emotional teenager right now, but hey, I'm going through a mid-life crisis, so I have a pass. I turn 40 in 3 months. FORTY. I feel as though I have accomplished some of my goals, but I am lacking in so many others. I feel as though I'm not as successful as I want to be in my career. Granted, I am still relatively new at what I am doing, but I'm here... and the term "Fake it until you make it", has become my mantra. Except I don't want to fake it. I want to do. I want to be the best at this. I didn't realize how mentally taxing it is to listen to others and talk people through traumatic events. I am physically and emotionally drained by the time I leave every day. I'm nervous about school and practicum and my schedule. I already work full time, and now I'm going to h...

What to say, what to say. There have been so many dips and turns on this roller coaster that I don't even know where to begin. In the last 5 months... I became a grandmother... for a few weeks. My child was unexpectedly with child. There were so many ups and downs with the pregnancy, but one thing stayed the same, which was my excitement and joy over being able to welcome a new baby into our family. There were complications along the way, which resulted in ER visits. One visit clearly showed 2 sacs, so 2 babies! Next ultrasound showed just 1 baby developing with good size and healthy heartbeat. After that, there were no babies. The pregnancy ended, and it was the most difficult thing in the world to see my child suffer from heartbreak and loss. She went through surgery and had additional complications, but seems to be out of the woods now. The good news to come out of all of this, is that she is now convinced that she wants to be a mother... something that she swore she would ne...

At this point, I've taken many trips around the sun. I'm not elderly by any means, but I'm aging. Whether or not I'm doing it gracefully is still up for debate. There is a definite pattern here. My friends, friends of friends, my family, people are getting sick. People are meeting with unfortunate accidents. People are passing on. I feel like it's happening so often lately. It's heart wrenching. It takes your breath away. It makes you face your own mortality. Let's face it. I am not a healthy person. Each day, I wake up with a new ache or pain. A new symptom. A new problem. Each day, I wake up with good intentions... that I will ditch all of my horrible habits in favor of a healthier, life-sustaining lifestyle. Each night, I go to bed and realize that I did absolutely nothing to improve the quality of my life and give myself a better chance. I won't go into my unhealthy habits, but let's just say that there are an abundance. I want so badly to ma...

I wish my husband knew how important he is to me. I wish he knew exactly how much I love him. I wish he knew that my heart still skips a beat when he walks through the door. We all know what happens with time. We get comfortable. We find a routine. The day to day responsibilities of career, housework, social life, school, hobbies, bills, and trying to keep children alive, can take over. It's stressful, it's frustrating, it can be downright depressing at times, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love it. What I wish he knew, is that he helped to give me this life. He supports me in my career endeavors. He cheers me on when I want to take a new path in my career or work on improving my current one. He shows interest and enthusiasm when I start a new hobby, or get better at one that I currently have. He cleans up around the house and cooks fabulous meals. He makes sure that our child has attention, knowledge, and love. He never fails to ask me how my day was, or how...

***Posting again for those in the back row*** I wrote this a few years ago, but it's still relevant. I've lost over 100 lbs, and I still struggle so much with self esteem and self image. I try SO hard to not show that in front of my now 6 year old, who will likely be faced with her own sense of body image before too long. I need to work a little harder though. As of now, we don't use words like fat and skinny. We know that everyone has a different body type, and it doesn't matter as long as you are making healthy choices and "keeping your heart happy" by staying active. The scale has been relocated to the garage and out of sight. Sometimes... I slip though, and I may sigh when looking at myself in the mirror or get frustrated when something doesn't fit right. It's important to realize that everything you say and everything you do.. IS noticed, and does become a part of who your children become. Original post- 2013: Sometimes I'll catch Oli...

Age is nothing but a number... or so they say. In my case, well, in everyone's case, these numbers seem to be climbing at a rapid rate. Tomorrow marks another trip around the Earth for me, and I turn 39 years old. Thirty. Nine. I honestly never thought about aging much before. I never thought about what it would be like to be older and actually look or feel older. In my head, I'm still in my late teens/early twenties. When I look in the mirror, I still don't see a 39 year old woman... until I look closer. Upon closer inspection, I see the fine lines in my face. I can see the bunch of lines around my mouth. I see the collection of lines around my eyes. I see the wisps of gray hair that peek out while I'm in between root touch-ups with my hair dye. Not only can I see the tell-tale signs of aging, but I feel them as well. I feel as though my energy has dropped significantly... even worse than normal. I hear my joints crack and pop when I move after long periods, soundi...

I don't feel good. Ever. I feel like there is always something wrong. Some nagging feeling of malaise or random illness coursing through my body. Granted, I have had a lot of health issues within the last few years. A lot of procedures done. Just.. really random things between side effects of my WLS, to mouth problems, to hip surgery. I feel like I am too young to be falling apart like this. My birthday is next week, and I'm really getting up there in age. Like... really getting up there, and I feel every bit of it. However I know most of the reason that I feel like crap. I. Don't. Take. Care. Of. Myself. You see, this surgery that I had... the one that stripped away 110 lbs from my body, has been awesome. I have a fresh start, and the ability to take charge of my health and have full control over what I put in my body and what I do with it. However, I continue to defile it. I consistently pour soda down my throat. I snack on chips, cookies, whatever I can get my hand...