Guilt

As many of you already know, due to our lovely economy my hubby has taken on a second job. He wakes up at 6:30 in the morning to go to work, gets an hour break between jobs, and comes home roughly around 2 am.

At first, my thoughts on this were pretty simple. Poor fuckin guy, he is going to be exhausted. Then: epiphany. As he sat playing with the baby with his few precious moments that he had between hell holes.... er... jobs, it hit me. He didnt care about himself, he does this for his family. He wants to make sure we're happy and well taken care of. We absolutely are. But at what cost?

This baby seriously loves her Daddy. I watch her when he comes home, and she smiles from ear to ear and starts screeching. This morning, I showed her a picture of him on the phone, and she grabbed the phone and started to kiss the screen. I can deal with him being gone. It's one of the hardest things in the world, but I can handle it. What about them? What about the precious time they need to spend together.

I'm wracked with so much guilt over it, because I dont want that for them. I want him to be here when she wakes up so that he can kiss her and tell her good morning. I want her to hear a bedtime story and get kisses at night from her Daddy. It breaks my heart. As much as it hurts me, I cannot imagine how hard it is for him.

I know this is temporary, but it's horrible. I cry often over it, because it's just not fair. I often feel that I don't pull my weight. I know I have work, school, housework, baby, etc. But I still have time to sit and write this out. I have time to browse facebook, and my mommy forum. Most SAHM's will tell you that it's no cake walk, but I still feel like I have no room to ever complain or slack off, knowing what he is going through for us.

I do know... that any man willing to do this, is the most amazing man in the world, and I cannot express how extremely amazed I am that he chose me. I am the luckiest woman in the world.