Monday, June 17, 2013
What I want
What I "wanted" was to write some witty, insightful, and moving post today. However, I will not. I don't feel good, I'm exhausted from hearing my toddler wake up crying all night, going to lay with her for a while, and then still hearing the crying off and on. I'm also mentally drained from going as fast as I can to get my powerpoint presentation completed for class today. I just want to go back to bed. That's what I want.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
A Post From a Teen Mom
I hear people say it often. "Where does the time go?" Followed by the obligatory "Enjoy this time with your kids because before you know it, they'll be grown and on their own". You hear those things, and you shrug them off. You think, I've got plenty of time. Plenty of years..... I am enjoying it.
It's cute when your babies hit all of their milestones. They have their first bite of "real" food.They start crawling and climbing, and eventually running around your house wreaking havoc. Next thing you know, they're off starting preschool and kindergarten. You cry on that day, because your "baby" is growing up and you're so proud of all they have learned and accomplished thus far.
Then they're off to middle school. They're making friends, developing personalities. They start needing you less and less, and you start feeling hopeless and less needed. They start high school and you can see the person they are starting to become. You see them, laughing with their friends and trying desperately to establish their identity and place in the world. You watch as they struggle with their hopes and dreams and realize that your child hardly needs you at all.
One day you wake up.... and your child has turned 18. You have raised this child into an adult. The tiny little thing that you stayed up with for nights on end trying to comfort and soothe.... is gone. You now have an independent person that you're no longer in control of, and all you can do is hope that you've done a good enough job to ensure that they'll be able to make smart life decisions.
And this is where we are at right now. They always say that hindsight is 20/20. I'm able to look back with a clear mind now, and play the last 18 years in my head in slow motion. I can see myself as a scared 16 year old kid, watching those two pink lines show up on that test. I can see myself at 17, crying as my baby cried for hours on end suffering from colic. I can see myself as she started growing and learning, and I can also see myself failing.
I am not saying that all teen mothers are incapable of being good mothers. I'm saying that I was incapable. I was not attentive. I was not loving. I was not caring...... I did the bare minimum, and I met basic needs. While I should have been focused on making sure the life I created was emotionally stable and healthy.... I was busy focused on myself, caring only about MY needs and MY wants. I see my daughter never staying at the same school for longer than a year or two, because I couldnt make up my mind. I couldn't be stable enough to suck up a job I didnt like or an apartment I didn't like... for her comfort and sense of security. I can see the lack of "great job!" and schoolwork hanging on the refrigerator. I can see the hurt in her eyes when she came running to me, proud of whatever she had just accomplished, and me blowing it off because I couldn't be bothered. I can also see the minute that the lightbulb clicked on and when I started becoming more of a mother and less like a young woman saddled with this kid that I felt like I was babysitting. Unfortunately, that moment came too late and she was already who she was going to be. Her personality was formed, and mainly based on our relationship from her birth up until that point. There was no fixing that. There was no going back and doing things all over again and making different decisions.
I am now the mother of a two year old child as well. I had her when I was 32 years old, in a stable marriage, with a college degree. At that point, I had 15 years of parenting to look back at and reflect on. I had knowledge, experience, and regrets. I can honestly say that this time around, I was prepared. My younger daughter will have a completely different upbringing filled with all of the things I wish I would have been able to give my older daughter. She'll have the security, the cuddles, the attention, all of the things that my first missed out on.
Although I have to say. Regardless of how many things I did wrong when I was a young mother, of all the things I wish I could change... I have a pretty awesome daughter. She's such an amazing person. She has a huge heart that will take her very far. She's strong, smart, funny, and beautiful. She has so much potential, but because of me and the mistakes that *I* made, she doesn't always realize it. I wish I could go back to teenage me, and grab me by the shoulders and scream at myself. "Everything that you do right now and everything that you don't do, has an impact on your child. Wake up!".
It's cute when your babies hit all of their milestones. They have their first bite of "real" food.They start crawling and climbing, and eventually running around your house wreaking havoc. Next thing you know, they're off starting preschool and kindergarten. You cry on that day, because your "baby" is growing up and you're so proud of all they have learned and accomplished thus far.
Then they're off to middle school. They're making friends, developing personalities. They start needing you less and less, and you start feeling hopeless and less needed. They start high school and you can see the person they are starting to become. You see them, laughing with their friends and trying desperately to establish their identity and place in the world. You watch as they struggle with their hopes and dreams and realize that your child hardly needs you at all.
One day you wake up.... and your child has turned 18. You have raised this child into an adult. The tiny little thing that you stayed up with for nights on end trying to comfort and soothe.... is gone. You now have an independent person that you're no longer in control of, and all you can do is hope that you've done a good enough job to ensure that they'll be able to make smart life decisions.
And this is where we are at right now. They always say that hindsight is 20/20. I'm able to look back with a clear mind now, and play the last 18 years in my head in slow motion. I can see myself as a scared 16 year old kid, watching those two pink lines show up on that test. I can see myself at 17, crying as my baby cried for hours on end suffering from colic. I can see myself as she started growing and learning, and I can also see myself failing.
I am not saying that all teen mothers are incapable of being good mothers. I'm saying that I was incapable. I was not attentive. I was not loving. I was not caring...... I did the bare minimum, and I met basic needs. While I should have been focused on making sure the life I created was emotionally stable and healthy.... I was busy focused on myself, caring only about MY needs and MY wants. I see my daughter never staying at the same school for longer than a year or two, because I couldnt make up my mind. I couldn't be stable enough to suck up a job I didnt like or an apartment I didn't like... for her comfort and sense of security. I can see the lack of "great job!" and schoolwork hanging on the refrigerator. I can see the hurt in her eyes when she came running to me, proud of whatever she had just accomplished, and me blowing it off because I couldn't be bothered. I can also see the minute that the lightbulb clicked on and when I started becoming more of a mother and less like a young woman saddled with this kid that I felt like I was babysitting. Unfortunately, that moment came too late and she was already who she was going to be. Her personality was formed, and mainly based on our relationship from her birth up until that point. There was no fixing that. There was no going back and doing things all over again and making different decisions.
I am now the mother of a two year old child as well. I had her when I was 32 years old, in a stable marriage, with a college degree. At that point, I had 15 years of parenting to look back at and reflect on. I had knowledge, experience, and regrets. I can honestly say that this time around, I was prepared. My younger daughter will have a completely different upbringing filled with all of the things I wish I would have been able to give my older daughter. She'll have the security, the cuddles, the attention, all of the things that my first missed out on.
Although I have to say. Regardless of how many things I did wrong when I was a young mother, of all the things I wish I could change... I have a pretty awesome daughter. She's such an amazing person. She has a huge heart that will take her very far. She's strong, smart, funny, and beautiful. She has so much potential, but because of me and the mistakes that *I* made, she doesn't always realize it. I wish I could go back to teenage me, and grab me by the shoulders and scream at myself. "Everything that you do right now and everything that you don't do, has an impact on your child. Wake up!".
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Shame
I’m sure many of you have seen this image online. Whether it be Pinterest, Facebook, or various other social media sites. What kind of feelings do you have when you look at this?
My first reaction was….Yay curves! I’m a bigger girl, so everyone should accept me and find me attractive for who I am. I should be considered normal and that’s what every man should be attracted to. I’m not a small by any means, nor have I ever been. I have had my moments where I got down to an acceptable weight and my BMI was within “normal” range. Although, thin and Ellie have never been mentioned in the same sentence. I looked at the pic again and let the words sink in.
“Real men”….. what is a REAL man? I thought all men were real. I didn’t realize that those who dated thin girls were androids or creepy Martians from outer space who tried so hard to blend in as humans while walking around Earth. Then I thought… this picture is trying to say that thin people are unattractive and can’t possible by wanted by a member of the opposite sex. Men are “dogs” if they’re attracted to a thinner person? All a thin person is…. Is just bones? A plaything for a pet?
There’s something called body shaming that has existed for quite a while. Mainly people being judgmental towards larger people, calling them fat, lazy, a slob, etc. It made them so sad and ashamed of being in their own skin. So what happened? Society continued to expand at the waist, and now around 66% of American adults are overweight. Overweight people continued to demand acceptance by society and in the process, began to talk negatively about people who didn’t look like them. People have no idea if that thin person is struggling while trying to gain weight, or involved in sports that keep them naturally thin, or even if they have medical condition that prevents them from gaining. The same way that thin people do not know if the same is true for overweight people. It hardly seems productive to take the anger and pain you feel about being made to feel awful about your body… and lash out at others the same way.
Bottom line, it's never okay, either way. It is extremely unfair for people to look at another person and talk negatively because that person is built different than themselves. Are they happy? Then mind your business. Don’t know if they’re happy? Still… mind your own business.
“Real men”….. what is a REAL man? I thought all men were real. I didn’t realize that those who dated thin girls were androids or creepy Martians from outer space who tried so hard to blend in as humans while walking around Earth. Then I thought… this picture is trying to say that thin people are unattractive and can’t possible by wanted by a member of the opposite sex. Men are “dogs” if they’re attracted to a thinner person? All a thin person is…. Is just bones? A plaything for a pet?
There’s something called body shaming that has existed for quite a while. Mainly people being judgmental towards larger people, calling them fat, lazy, a slob, etc. It made them so sad and ashamed of being in their own skin. So what happened? Society continued to expand at the waist, and now around 66% of American adults are overweight. Overweight people continued to demand acceptance by society and in the process, began to talk negatively about people who didn’t look like them. People have no idea if that thin person is struggling while trying to gain weight, or involved in sports that keep them naturally thin, or even if they have medical condition that prevents them from gaining. The same way that thin people do not know if the same is true for overweight people. It hardly seems productive to take the anger and pain you feel about being made to feel awful about your body… and lash out at others the same way.
Body shaming works both ways although it seems to be more focused on thinner people today. No one is safe from the scrutinizing eyes of others. No one will have “the perfect body”. There is a reason we are created differently. Different hair color and type. Different skin tones. Different facial features. Different bodies. While it is easy to label people a certain way and make assumptions about their lifestyles and habits, you really have no idea.
Bottom line, it's never okay, either way. It is extremely unfair for people to look at another person and talk negatively because that person is built different than themselves. Are they happy? Then mind your business. Don’t know if they’re happy? Still… mind your own business.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Perfect
Sometimes I'll catch Olivia standing on the scale in our bathroom. At first I thought it was cute.
Then... I realized. She's imitating me. She sees me, weight obsessed, standing on the white thing in the bathroom while I watch the numbers fluctuate. She has no idea what it is or what it's for. She knows there are pretty numbers that flash on it, and that mommy stands on it often.
This morning, my friend posted a link online about this and it made me think..... my child thinks I'm perfect. She doesn't see that since our miscarriage and getting my tubes tied, that my hormones are out of control. She doesn't realize that I suffer from such sadness that it's hard to even care enough to get healthy again, and that I just watch the numbers steadily climb. She doesn't see that I struggle daily to find a pair of pants buried in the back of the closet that may still fit me without the requisite muffin top that will inevitably be present. She doesn't see my internal struggle when I know I have to eat healthy, but I cannot seem to resist the piece of pizza or square of chocolate. She doesn't see me cry at night because I've let my weight once again, get out of control.
She only sees me. The person who rushes to hug and kiss her as soon as I walk in the door. The person that reads stories with her and tucks her in at night. The person that lays on the floor making block houses or singing "Twinkie Star" with her.
I need, very soon, to learn to realize and believe that the way society perceives me, does not matter. The way others may not approve of how I look, my size, what I'm wearing, does not matter. The only thing that matters, is how my child sees me. If she sees any of my current thoughts regarding myself, how disappointed would she be in me? Worst yet, how would she see herself? What would I be setting her up for?
Now is the time.. that she is aware and building her own self confidence and security. I would feel horrible if I was the one responsible for teaching her that a number on the scale will be responsible for who she is and how the world sees her.
I know how she sees me. She doesn't see fat. She doesn't see sloppy, unkempt, self- conscious me. She doesn't notice if I'm not wearing make up. I'm her hero. And I'm beautiful.
I need to teach her that she is too. And I need to show her by doing. Now.
Then... I realized. She's imitating me. She sees me, weight obsessed, standing on the white thing in the bathroom while I watch the numbers fluctuate. She has no idea what it is or what it's for. She knows there are pretty numbers that flash on it, and that mommy stands on it often.
This morning, my friend posted a link online about this and it made me think..... my child thinks I'm perfect. She doesn't see that since our miscarriage and getting my tubes tied, that my hormones are out of control. She doesn't realize that I suffer from such sadness that it's hard to even care enough to get healthy again, and that I just watch the numbers steadily climb. She doesn't see that I struggle daily to find a pair of pants buried in the back of the closet that may still fit me without the requisite muffin top that will inevitably be present. She doesn't see my internal struggle when I know I have to eat healthy, but I cannot seem to resist the piece of pizza or square of chocolate. She doesn't see me cry at night because I've let my weight once again, get out of control.
She only sees me. The person who rushes to hug and kiss her as soon as I walk in the door. The person that reads stories with her and tucks her in at night. The person that lays on the floor making block houses or singing "Twinkie Star" with her.
I need, very soon, to learn to realize and believe that the way society perceives me, does not matter. The way others may not approve of how I look, my size, what I'm wearing, does not matter. The only thing that matters, is how my child sees me. If she sees any of my current thoughts regarding myself, how disappointed would she be in me? Worst yet, how would she see herself? What would I be setting her up for?
Now is the time.. that she is aware and building her own self confidence and security. I would feel horrible if I was the one responsible for teaching her that a number on the scale will be responsible for who she is and how the world sees her.
I know how she sees me. She doesn't see fat. She doesn't see sloppy, unkempt, self- conscious me. She doesn't notice if I'm not wearing make up. I'm her hero. And I'm beautiful.
I need to teach her that she is too. And I need to show her by doing. Now.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
My heart hurts
Lately I've been having a horrible time being away from home. I miss my girls more than anything. It physically hurts me to be stuck an hour away from home all day, every day. I get 2 hours a day with my kids if I'm lucky.
Olivia is growing up without me there. Zoe is going to be a legal adult in 2 weeks. I'm missing out on so much. I hate this more than you'll ever know.
Olivia is growing up without me there. Zoe is going to be a legal adult in 2 weeks. I'm missing out on so much. I hate this more than you'll ever know.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Breaking News
Many people see this at least a few times a week, if not daily. You're watching TV, to have your favorite shows interrupted by some plastic looking news anchor bringing you this "amazing" story of a car chase, or news from a criminal trial.
On the way to work this morning, we were listening to the radio, and they said that the shooter from Sandy Hook was obsessed with the news coverage and publicity from the Norway shootings years ago, and this may have motivated him to do what he did.
It really got me thinking. People are always looking to place blame on things that they believe influence children. Social media, video games, music, cartoons, basically anything pop culture. While those things may have an impact on your children and how they learn and grow, it is up to you as a parent to regulate what they are watching and doing to make sure they only see and hear what you are comfortable with. The news may seem a little less harmless than a video game where you beat up hookers and shoot others. But have you watched a news broadcast recently?
Lately, it is hard to even watch the news without hearing it chock full of murder, sex crimes, robberies, yadda yadda yadda. It is nothing but a complete downer. Rarely will there be a goodwill piece or something positive... and if there is, it's usually just a fluff piece at the end of the broadcast for a few seconds. "Sorry about all the shitty news we just gave you. Here's a cute little kitten who was once homeless and now isn't. Awwww, Enjoy your night and try to forget about all of the horrid things you just heard".
The news is ridiculous. They take a story, sensationalize it, and raise the people involved to something like a celebrity status. They report on stories and beat them into the ground. Every. Single. Detail. about the story, they're all over. Look at the chaos right after Sandy Hook happened for instance. They reported several different stories. A second shooter. The mom worked at the school. Hell, they even reported the wrong name for the guy who did it! The news rushes to tell us every single detail about a story, even if they're not sure if they're giving accurate information. They want to be "first" in giving people news and details, not even bothering to wait and see if what they are spewing is indeed fact.
We don't need to know everything. We don't need to know certain facts about crimes. Some of that should be kept quiet. Obviously, report if there is a rash of burglaries and to make sure your doors and windows are secured at night, etc. But I don't need to know that someone broke into the X's house at 123 Main Street, with this color door, and took a laptop, a wallet, a plunger, etc. I understand that some information is pertinent, but I believe that they get a little overzealous in their reporting, and sometimes it is just too much. For instance, the newspaper in New York that published the addresses and information for those who were registered to have firearms.... which then resulted in robberies and attempted robberies at some of those addresses. Sometimes there IS such thing as "too much information".
We don't need 24 straight hours of coverage over a school shooting or a trial which airs intimate details and sex tapes to the public. We don't need details "as" they emerge. I mean.... I'm in Phoenix. I highly doubt that anything that happened on the East Coast is going to be an imminent threat in the next few minutes. (Obviously there are exceptions...... )
If they scaled the news back and only reported relative information, throwing in the GOOD that people do too, it would be a different thing altogether. Bring back happy news stories and talk about the good in people. Because as much as things seem to suck lately, there's a lot of good happening out there too. Except that.... doesn't get ratings.
On the way to work this morning, we were listening to the radio, and they said that the shooter from Sandy Hook was obsessed with the news coverage and publicity from the Norway shootings years ago, and this may have motivated him to do what he did.
It really got me thinking. People are always looking to place blame on things that they believe influence children. Social media, video games, music, cartoons, basically anything pop culture. While those things may have an impact on your children and how they learn and grow, it is up to you as a parent to regulate what they are watching and doing to make sure they only see and hear what you are comfortable with. The news may seem a little less harmless than a video game where you beat up hookers and shoot others. But have you watched a news broadcast recently?
Lately, it is hard to even watch the news without hearing it chock full of murder, sex crimes, robberies, yadda yadda yadda. It is nothing but a complete downer. Rarely will there be a goodwill piece or something positive... and if there is, it's usually just a fluff piece at the end of the broadcast for a few seconds. "Sorry about all the shitty news we just gave you. Here's a cute little kitten who was once homeless and now isn't. Awwww, Enjoy your night and try to forget about all of the horrid things you just heard".
The news is ridiculous. They take a story, sensationalize it, and raise the people involved to something like a celebrity status. They report on stories and beat them into the ground. Every. Single. Detail. about the story, they're all over. Look at the chaos right after Sandy Hook happened for instance. They reported several different stories. A second shooter. The mom worked at the school. Hell, they even reported the wrong name for the guy who did it! The news rushes to tell us every single detail about a story, even if they're not sure if they're giving accurate information. They want to be "first" in giving people news and details, not even bothering to wait and see if what they are spewing is indeed fact.
We don't need to know everything. We don't need to know certain facts about crimes. Some of that should be kept quiet. Obviously, report if there is a rash of burglaries and to make sure your doors and windows are secured at night, etc. But I don't need to know that someone broke into the X's house at 123 Main Street, with this color door, and took a laptop, a wallet, a plunger, etc. I understand that some information is pertinent, but I believe that they get a little overzealous in their reporting, and sometimes it is just too much. For instance, the newspaper in New York that published the addresses and information for those who were registered to have firearms.... which then resulted in robberies and attempted robberies at some of those addresses. Sometimes there IS such thing as "too much information".
We don't need 24 straight hours of coverage over a school shooting or a trial which airs intimate details and sex tapes to the public. We don't need details "as" they emerge. I mean.... I'm in Phoenix. I highly doubt that anything that happened on the East Coast is going to be an imminent threat in the next few minutes. (Obviously there are exceptions...... )
If they scaled the news back and only reported relative information, throwing in the GOOD that people do too, it would be a different thing altogether. Bring back happy news stories and talk about the good in people. Because as much as things seem to suck lately, there's a lot of good happening out there too. Except that.... doesn't get ratings.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Happy Hallmark Day
It's upon us yet again. Another day of forced gift giving. I truly believe that Hallmark invented this holiday which asks men for one day a year, to pay attention and shower their girlfriends, wives, friends, etc. with gifts. Flowers, candies, cards, hell even stuffed animals and pets. What about men though? It's supposed to be a holiday of love and showing someone you love them. You don't show your husband or boyfriend that you care by buying a bouquet of flowers or little heart shaped candies. I believe this holiday has become biased towards women anyways.
While it is a novel little idea to some, I don't like it. Not because I don't enjoy getting those little things, but because I have a wonderful husband who brings me these things constantly. Any day of the year, I could receive a little bouquet of flowers, pretty jewelry (which is few and far between, as everyone knows the only jewelry I wear on a regular basis are my wedding rings), candy, etc.
I'm blessed that I have a husband who is always thinking of me and ways that he can give a little token of appreciation and love. It's not always stuff from the store either though. It's something as simple as a "you had a hard day, I'll cook dinner and clean up, you go rest". Or a foot rub when I complain that my feet hurt. Or listening to me go on and on and on about something stupid, and him just taking the time to listen and offer me his advice and opinion.
I am truly lucky to be married to my best friend who "gets" me. And while I wont turn down flowers or candy.... ever, I don't need it to be reminded of how in love I am. It's the simple fact of waking up next to him, and that goodnight kiss before bed every night that reminds me of how 3 years ago, I made the best decision of my life.
But for those who look forward to this day, Happy Valentine's Day. To me.... it's Happy Thursday. :)
While it is a novel little idea to some, I don't like it. Not because I don't enjoy getting those little things, but because I have a wonderful husband who brings me these things constantly. Any day of the year, I could receive a little bouquet of flowers, pretty jewelry (which is few and far between, as everyone knows the only jewelry I wear on a regular basis are my wedding rings), candy, etc.
I'm blessed that I have a husband who is always thinking of me and ways that he can give a little token of appreciation and love. It's not always stuff from the store either though. It's something as simple as a "you had a hard day, I'll cook dinner and clean up, you go rest". Or a foot rub when I complain that my feet hurt. Or listening to me go on and on and on about something stupid, and him just taking the time to listen and offer me his advice and opinion.
I am truly lucky to be married to my best friend who "gets" me. And while I wont turn down flowers or candy.... ever, I don't need it to be reminded of how in love I am. It's the simple fact of waking up next to him, and that goodnight kiss before bed every night that reminds me of how 3 years ago, I made the best decision of my life.
But for those who look forward to this day, Happy Valentine's Day. To me.... it's Happy Thursday. :)
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