Thursday, January 10, 2013

Loss

     This is a very personal blog for me, and I'm using it to get my feelings and thoughts down. This may be a sensitive subject for some, dealing with loss. If you're already having a bad day, I suggest clicking the little X in the top corner. :)
     In October, our family got the surprise of a lifetime. You hear about "oops" babies all of the time, and perhaps you've even had one. With Olivia it was different, as we tried almost a year to conceive her. The two pink lines that appeared on our test in October were completely unexpected and surprising.
     After the initial shock hit us, reality started to sink in. What are we going to do? How are we going to pay for this? How will we manage two children? The questions kept coming. As a mother already, I knew what I was going to be in for physically as well. How would I handle that working full time, trying to go to school, and already having a busy family, while feeling exhausted and sick all of the time? We'd make it happen though. Whatever we needed to do, we would do. Scrimp and save money, work a second job for a while, even ask friends for help. Everyone has some baby item they'd like to get rid of that is taking up space in the garage or closet, right?
     As time continued to pass, the shock wore off some and I started to get excited. After the first doctor visit when I saw the tiniest dot on the ultrasound, it became very real. We started to pick out names, themes for the baby's room, and we envisioned what our growing family would be like. Weeks passed, and more doctors appointments and more ultrasounds. One was a beautiful picture of a strong heartbeat and a baby that was starting to look more like a baby. I proudly made postings on social media sites, with pictures, updates, you name it. We told everyone and the news was out. We were having a baby.
     Weeks later, I had a little bit of spotting. If I hadn't paid attention, I probably could have missed it but for some reason, I was paying attention. I was nervous but chalked it up to paranoia and went about my business. Days later, I had the same thing happen. That, combined with the fact that I hadn't had to take any medication the day before for my extreme nausea.... struck fear in me. I raced down to the emergency room, half hoping to get another ultrasound and be reassured that our baby was growing bigger by the day, and healthy as can be.
     I knew something was wrong when the ultrasound tech had a poker face and the screen was pointed away from me. Still in denial, I clung to hope but everything changed when the doctor walked in, and I could tell by the look on his face. He was very blunt and said "I'm so sorry to tell you that we could not detect a fetal heartbeat". I have no idea what happened after that. I remember meeting my husband at the pharmacy to get my prescription of pain killers, as the cramping was starting to set in. I don't remember much else from the day. I have no idea if I cried, if I ate, if I did anything. I had to call my OB the next day to figure out what would happen next. I knew that I could wait and let my body take care of this naturally or take the surgical approach and have it done quickly at the hospital. We opted for the medical approach, because having experienced this before, I knew that my body wasn't too smart when it came to taking care of this, having had a previous loss 10 years ago. I also knew that emotionally, I would not be able to handle experiencing what I was about to experience. With it not being an early miscarriage, I knew that it would also be painful.
     After seeing my doctor the next day, he told us to check in to the surgical floor later that day. So we did.... and the procedure was done. Just like that, every hope, every dream, every thought I had of our baby was gone. All of the time I spent thinking of what our baby would look like, what we would name it, how the baby and Olivia would play together and grow up together, just gone. I remember distinctly... the kicker of that day, was waiting in pre-op, and hearing them play Brahm's Lullaby on a loudspeaker throughout the hospital, signaling that a baby had just been born.
     10 years ago with my loss, it ruined my life. I was so consumed by grief and emotion, that I could not handle working, I could not socialize with my friends, and I spiraled into a deep depression. I let it completely consume me. This time, having gone through this before, I have pushed all of my feelings aside. It is now five weeks later, and little by little I'm starting to feel the pain. I believe that my brain has protected me thus far by allowing me to push all of these thoughts and memories to the back of my mind, and start thinking about something else. There are still things that come up that completely ruin my day and let a little bit of the emotion in. For instance, having to make a post on social media that we're no longer pregnant... then having someone ask me about how the baby is because they did not see the post that was made. A friend pregnant at the same time, finding out what their baby's sex is. Going to a baby shower, finding an ultrasound picture saved on your phone. All of these things keep coming up and the sadness sets in.
     There's a lot more I could say about this, a lot more I want to say, but I am at a complete loss for words right now. I know that if I dig any deeper than this right now, the tears will come and they wont stop. I hate that this happened. I hate that there a future that will never happen, and such a deep love that was just taken away so quickly. I hate that I have to deal with this still and wish everything was different. I know it happened for a reason, and this is the way my life is "supposed" to play out, but that doesn't mean that I have to be happy about it.
     I'm sorry this post wasn't very eloquent or inspiring. I just needed a place to vent for now. Needless to say.... I'm heartbroken.

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