A Post From a Teen Mom
I hear people say it often. "Where does the time go?" Followed by the obligatory "Enjoy this time with your kids because before you know it, they'll be grown and on their own". You hear those things, and you shrug them off. You think, I've got plenty of time. Plenty of years..... I am enjoying it.
It's cute when your babies hit all of their milestones. They have their first bite of "real" food.They start crawling and climbing, and eventually running around your house wreaking havoc. Next thing you know, they're off starting preschool and kindergarten. You cry on that day, because your "baby" is growing up and you're so proud of all they have learned and accomplished thus far.
Then they're off to middle school. They're making friends, developing personalities. They start needing you less and less, and you start feeling hopeless and less needed. They start high school and you can see the person they are starting to become. You see them, laughing with their friends and trying desperately to establish their identity and place in the world. You watch as they struggle with their hopes and dreams and realize that your child hardly needs you at all.
One day you wake up.... and your child has turned 18. You have raised this child into an adult. The tiny little thing that you stayed up with for nights on end trying to comfort and soothe.... is gone. You now have an independent person that you're no longer in control of, and all you can do is hope that you've done a good enough job to ensure that they'll be able to make smart life decisions.
And this is where we are at right now. They always say that hindsight is 20/20. I'm able to look back with a clear mind now, and play the last 18 years in my head in slow motion. I can see myself as a scared 16 year old kid, watching those two pink lines show up on that test. I can see myself at 17, crying as my baby cried for hours on end suffering from colic. I can see myself as she started growing and learning, and I can also see myself failing.
I am not saying that all teen mothers are incapable of being good mothers. I'm saying that I was incapable. I was not attentive. I was not loving. I was not caring...... I did the bare minimum, and I met basic needs. While I should have been focused on making sure the life I created was emotionally stable and healthy.... I was busy focused on myself, caring only about MY needs and MY wants. I see my daughter never staying at the same school for longer than a year or two, because I couldnt make up my mind. I couldn't be stable enough to suck up a job I didnt like or an apartment I didn't like... for her comfort and sense of security. I can see the lack of "great job!" and schoolwork hanging on the refrigerator. I can see the hurt in her eyes when she came running to me, proud of whatever she had just accomplished, and me blowing it off because I couldn't be bothered. I can also see the minute that the lightbulb clicked on and when I started becoming more of a mother and less like a young woman saddled with this kid that I felt like I was babysitting. Unfortunately, that moment came too late and she was already who she was going to be. Her personality was formed, and mainly based on our relationship from her birth up until that point. There was no fixing that. There was no going back and doing things all over again and making different decisions.
I am now the mother of a two year old child as well. I had her when I was 32 years old, in a stable marriage, with a college degree. At that point, I had 15 years of parenting to look back at and reflect on. I had knowledge, experience, and regrets. I can honestly say that this time around, I was prepared. My younger daughter will have a completely different upbringing filled with all of the things I wish I would have been able to give my older daughter. She'll have the security, the cuddles, the attention, all of the things that my first missed out on.
Although I have to say. Regardless of how many things I did wrong when I was a young mother, of all the things I wish I could change... I have a pretty awesome daughter. She's such an amazing person. She has a huge heart that will take her very far. She's strong, smart, funny, and beautiful. She has so much potential, but because of me and the mistakes that *I* made, she doesn't always realize it. I wish I could go back to teenage me, and grab me by the shoulders and scream at myself. "Everything that you do right now and everything that you don't do, has an impact on your child. Wake up!".
It's cute when your babies hit all of their milestones. They have their first bite of "real" food.They start crawling and climbing, and eventually running around your house wreaking havoc. Next thing you know, they're off starting preschool and kindergarten. You cry on that day, because your "baby" is growing up and you're so proud of all they have learned and accomplished thus far.
Then they're off to middle school. They're making friends, developing personalities. They start needing you less and less, and you start feeling hopeless and less needed. They start high school and you can see the person they are starting to become. You see them, laughing with their friends and trying desperately to establish their identity and place in the world. You watch as they struggle with their hopes and dreams and realize that your child hardly needs you at all.
One day you wake up.... and your child has turned 18. You have raised this child into an adult. The tiny little thing that you stayed up with for nights on end trying to comfort and soothe.... is gone. You now have an independent person that you're no longer in control of, and all you can do is hope that you've done a good enough job to ensure that they'll be able to make smart life decisions.
And this is where we are at right now. They always say that hindsight is 20/20. I'm able to look back with a clear mind now, and play the last 18 years in my head in slow motion. I can see myself as a scared 16 year old kid, watching those two pink lines show up on that test. I can see myself at 17, crying as my baby cried for hours on end suffering from colic. I can see myself as she started growing and learning, and I can also see myself failing.
I am not saying that all teen mothers are incapable of being good mothers. I'm saying that I was incapable. I was not attentive. I was not loving. I was not caring...... I did the bare minimum, and I met basic needs. While I should have been focused on making sure the life I created was emotionally stable and healthy.... I was busy focused on myself, caring only about MY needs and MY wants. I see my daughter never staying at the same school for longer than a year or two, because I couldnt make up my mind. I couldn't be stable enough to suck up a job I didnt like or an apartment I didn't like... for her comfort and sense of security. I can see the lack of "great job!" and schoolwork hanging on the refrigerator. I can see the hurt in her eyes when she came running to me, proud of whatever she had just accomplished, and me blowing it off because I couldn't be bothered. I can also see the minute that the lightbulb clicked on and when I started becoming more of a mother and less like a young woman saddled with this kid that I felt like I was babysitting. Unfortunately, that moment came too late and she was already who she was going to be. Her personality was formed, and mainly based on our relationship from her birth up until that point. There was no fixing that. There was no going back and doing things all over again and making different decisions.
I am now the mother of a two year old child as well. I had her when I was 32 years old, in a stable marriage, with a college degree. At that point, I had 15 years of parenting to look back at and reflect on. I had knowledge, experience, and regrets. I can honestly say that this time around, I was prepared. My younger daughter will have a completely different upbringing filled with all of the things I wish I would have been able to give my older daughter. She'll have the security, the cuddles, the attention, all of the things that my first missed out on.
Although I have to say. Regardless of how many things I did wrong when I was a young mother, of all the things I wish I could change... I have a pretty awesome daughter. She's such an amazing person. She has a huge heart that will take her very far. She's strong, smart, funny, and beautiful. She has so much potential, but because of me and the mistakes that *I* made, she doesn't always realize it. I wish I could go back to teenage me, and grab me by the shoulders and scream at myself. "Everything that you do right now and everything that you don't do, has an impact on your child. Wake up!".
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