Fake it Till You Make it.
Here I sit, loving my new look, happy with myself, and completely full of shit. I'm throwing some soul baring shit out here y'all. Laying some truth on the line. Those of you closest to me... I'm not fooling anyone. You've known for a while.... I wear my heart on my sleeve. Those that I see sporadically or haven't yet met in person and spent time with, this may or may not be new information. I'm picturing Phoebe from Friends right now... "THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!!!!"
10 months ago, I made the decision to have a life-saving surgery for the ridiculous amounts of weight I had gained. True, we had a pretty crippling miscarriage that I didn't outwardly show grief over... I just ate my feelings. Quite a bit of them. Then I went and got my tubes ties, something... I completely and totally regret. It was also an automatic response... my brain trying to protect me or some crap... not wanting to go through a loss again, etc. Regardless, hormone changes and more weight gain. Then, I quit smoking. I quit my almost 20 year habit of about a pack and a half a day, cold turkey. Man, I have saved almost $6000 by not smoking... however I managed to spend most of that in chips and Twinkies. Whatevs.
Whatever thereason excuse, I got super duper fat. I got to the point where I couldn't walk up the stairs in our house without pausing for break and a snack. I couldn't tie my own shoes. It was terrible. It seemed that I was having a really difficult time trying to lose it as well, so that's when I called on the medical industry to help me. Six months of doctor visits, nutritionists, surgeons, etc. I was put through the gamut, and it seemed to take forever.
Now, I'm 100 lbs lighter. Truth be told, I'm at a good weight. Obviously I could stand to lose a few more, but like I keep trying to tell myself, the part that was going to kill me... that hundred pounds... is gone. I'm in no immediate danger of extreme medical issues like I was before. Now, I'm just a chubby fuck with the rest of my life to work on this and be healthy.
The one other hurdle that I had to jump in order to get approved for surgery, was to see a psychologist. They said "it is going to cause a lot of changes mentally and emotionally, we want you to be prepared". I was like, I got this, fam. Being a psych major, I was able to tell them exactly what they needed to hear, and honestly, I thought it was ridiculous for someone to have any kind of emotional issues after a surgery that will do nothing except making them feel better and healthier. I passed with flying colors, and surgery was booked. But, boy was I wrong. This surgery has unknowingly caused my self esteem issues to completely skyrocket. Sure, I sit here and tell you that I have a great self esteem, that I love the way I look, that I'm proud of myself, and that would be a complete crock of shit.
I'm not happy, and I'm not sure if I ever will be. Each time I look in the mirror, I don't see the awesome strides that I've made for my overall health. I don't see how strong I am from logging my gym time. My happiness and strength from hiking with my daughter. I see the excess skin. The flab. The weight I still need to lose. I don't know why I don't have it in me to just accept that I'm not going to be where I want to be overnight. I don't know why I can't just accept that maybe where I "feel" I need to be, isn't even an option... lol. My body may just be like, "yo... we good here". The part that has really been getting to me, is that I act like a badass that is so proud of where I'm at. I'm vain, full of myself, and overall obnoxious as fuck. Then, someone may call me out on it, or I may unwittingly show my complete vulnerability and break down and freak out over flaws that honestly... I'm probably the only one that gives a shit about. The hardest part, is separating the outward from the inward. Sure, I have sooo much loose skin, but what about all that muscle that I've built? Isn't that WHY I HAD THIS FUCKING SURGERY IN THE FIRST PLACE? So why can't I stop focusing on what's on the scale or what imperfections I see in the mirror?
Like I said, here I am, vulnerable AF after sharing my innermost insecurities. I change my mind about any future resolutions that I've made so far. My goal from this point on, is to love me. Like... REALLY love me. Not just fake it for everyone else's benefit.
10 months ago, I made the decision to have a life-saving surgery for the ridiculous amounts of weight I had gained. True, we had a pretty crippling miscarriage that I didn't outwardly show grief over... I just ate my feelings. Quite a bit of them. Then I went and got my tubes ties, something... I completely and totally regret. It was also an automatic response... my brain trying to protect me or some crap... not wanting to go through a loss again, etc. Regardless, hormone changes and more weight gain. Then, I quit smoking. I quit my almost 20 year habit of about a pack and a half a day, cold turkey. Man, I have saved almost $6000 by not smoking... however I managed to spend most of that in chips and Twinkies. Whatevs.
Whatever the
Now, I'm 100 lbs lighter. Truth be told, I'm at a good weight. Obviously I could stand to lose a few more, but like I keep trying to tell myself, the part that was going to kill me... that hundred pounds... is gone. I'm in no immediate danger of extreme medical issues like I was before. Now, I'm just a chubby fuck with the rest of my life to work on this and be healthy.
The one other hurdle that I had to jump in order to get approved for surgery, was to see a psychologist. They said "it is going to cause a lot of changes mentally and emotionally, we want you to be prepared". I was like, I got this, fam. Being a psych major, I was able to tell them exactly what they needed to hear, and honestly, I thought it was ridiculous for someone to have any kind of emotional issues after a surgery that will do nothing except making them feel better and healthier. I passed with flying colors, and surgery was booked. But, boy was I wrong. This surgery has unknowingly caused my self esteem issues to completely skyrocket. Sure, I sit here and tell you that I have a great self esteem, that I love the way I look, that I'm proud of myself, and that would be a complete crock of shit.
I'm not happy, and I'm not sure if I ever will be. Each time I look in the mirror, I don't see the awesome strides that I've made for my overall health. I don't see how strong I am from logging my gym time. My happiness and strength from hiking with my daughter. I see the excess skin. The flab. The weight I still need to lose. I don't know why I don't have it in me to just accept that I'm not going to be where I want to be overnight. I don't know why I can't just accept that maybe where I "feel" I need to be, isn't even an option... lol. My body may just be like, "yo... we good here". The part that has really been getting to me, is that I act like a badass that is so proud of where I'm at. I'm vain, full of myself, and overall obnoxious as fuck. Then, someone may call me out on it, or I may unwittingly show my complete vulnerability and break down and freak out over flaws that honestly... I'm probably the only one that gives a shit about. The hardest part, is separating the outward from the inward. Sure, I have sooo much loose skin, but what about all that muscle that I've built? Isn't that WHY I HAD THIS FUCKING SURGERY IN THE FIRST PLACE? So why can't I stop focusing on what's on the scale or what imperfections I see in the mirror?
Like I said, here I am, vulnerable AF after sharing my innermost insecurities. I change my mind about any future resolutions that I've made so far. My goal from this point on, is to love me. Like... REALLY love me. Not just fake it for everyone else's benefit.
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