Perfect
***Posting again for those in the back row***
I wrote this a few years ago, but it's still relevant. I've lost over 100 lbs, and I still struggle so much with self esteem and self image. I try SO hard to not show that in front of my now 6 year old, who will likely be faced with her own sense of body image before too long. I need to work a little harder though. As of now, we don't use words like fat and skinny. We know that everyone has a different body type, and it doesn't matter as long as you are making healthy choices and "keeping your heart happy" by staying active. The scale has been relocated to the garage and out of sight. Sometimes... I slip though, and I may sigh when looking at myself in the mirror or get frustrated when something doesn't fit right. It's important to realize that everything you say and everything you do.. IS noticed, and does become a part of who your children become.
Original post- 2013:
Sometimes I'll catch Olivia standing on the scale in our bathroom. At first I thought it was cute.
Then... I realized. She's imitating me. She sees me, weight obsessed, standing on the white thing in the bathroom while I watch the numbers fluctuate. She has no idea what it is or what it's for. She knows there are pretty numbers that flash on it, and that mommy stands on it often.
This morning, my friend posted a link online about this and it made me think..... my child thinks I'm perfect. She doesn't see that since our miscarriage and getting my tubes tied, that my hormones are out of control. She doesn't realize that I suffer from such sadness that it's hard to even care enough to get healthy again, and that I just watch the numbers steadily climb. She doesn't see that I struggle daily to find a pair of pants buried in the back of the closet that may still fit me without the requisite muffin top that will inevitably be present. She doesn't see my internal struggle when I know I have to eat healthy, but I cannot seem to resist the piece of pizza or bar of chocolate. She doesn't see me cry at night because I've let my weight once again, get out of control.
She only sees me. The person who rushes to hug and kiss her as soon as I walk in the door. The person that reads stories with her and tucks her in at night. The person that lays on the floor making block houses or singing "Twinkie Star" with her.
I need, very soon, to learn to realize and believe that the way society perceives me, does not matter. The way others may not approve of how I look, my size, what I'm wearing, does not matter. The only thing that matters, is how my child sees me. If she could hear any of my current thoughts regarding myself, how disappointed would she be in me? Worse yet, how would she see herself? What would I be setting her up for?
Now is the time.. that she is aware and building her own self confidence and security. I would feel horrible if I was the one responsible for teaching her that a number on the scale will be responsible for who she is and how the world sees her.
I know how she sees me. She doesn't see fat. She doesn't see sloppy, unkempt, self- conscious me. She doesn't notice if I'm not wearing make up. I'm her hero. And I'm beautiful.
I need to teach her that she is beautiful too. And I need to show her by doing. Now.
I wrote this a few years ago, but it's still relevant. I've lost over 100 lbs, and I still struggle so much with self esteem and self image. I try SO hard to not show that in front of my now 6 year old, who will likely be faced with her own sense of body image before too long. I need to work a little harder though. As of now, we don't use words like fat and skinny. We know that everyone has a different body type, and it doesn't matter as long as you are making healthy choices and "keeping your heart happy" by staying active. The scale has been relocated to the garage and out of sight. Sometimes... I slip though, and I may sigh when looking at myself in the mirror or get frustrated when something doesn't fit right. It's important to realize that everything you say and everything you do.. IS noticed, and does become a part of who your children become.
Original post- 2013:
Sometimes I'll catch Olivia standing on the scale in our bathroom. At first I thought it was cute.
Then... I realized. She's imitating me. She sees me, weight obsessed, standing on the white thing in the bathroom while I watch the numbers fluctuate. She has no idea what it is or what it's for. She knows there are pretty numbers that flash on it, and that mommy stands on it often.
This morning, my friend posted a link online about this and it made me think..... my child thinks I'm perfect. She doesn't see that since our miscarriage and getting my tubes tied, that my hormones are out of control. She doesn't realize that I suffer from such sadness that it's hard to even care enough to get healthy again, and that I just watch the numbers steadily climb. She doesn't see that I struggle daily to find a pair of pants buried in the back of the closet that may still fit me without the requisite muffin top that will inevitably be present. She doesn't see my internal struggle when I know I have to eat healthy, but I cannot seem to resist the piece of pizza or bar of chocolate. She doesn't see me cry at night because I've let my weight once again, get out of control.
She only sees me. The person who rushes to hug and kiss her as soon as I walk in the door. The person that reads stories with her and tucks her in at night. The person that lays on the floor making block houses or singing "Twinkie Star" with her.
I need, very soon, to learn to realize and believe that the way society perceives me, does not matter. The way others may not approve of how I look, my size, what I'm wearing, does not matter. The only thing that matters, is how my child sees me. If she could hear any of my current thoughts regarding myself, how disappointed would she be in me? Worse yet, how would she see herself? What would I be setting her up for?
Now is the time.. that she is aware and building her own self confidence and security. I would feel horrible if I was the one responsible for teaching her that a number on the scale will be responsible for who she is and how the world sees her.
I know how she sees me. She doesn't see fat. She doesn't see sloppy, unkempt, self- conscious me. She doesn't notice if I'm not wearing make up. I'm her hero. And I'm beautiful.
I need to teach her that she is beautiful too. And I need to show her by doing. Now.
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