Crisis

Do you ever feel like a failure? Like nothing that you do is good enough? That nothing is going as it is supposed to? As it's planned? I know, I know, I sound like a surly and emotional teenager right now, but hey, I'm going through a mid-life crisis, so I have a pass.


I turn 40 in 3 months. FORTY. I feel as though I have accomplished some of my goals, but I am lacking in so many others.


I feel as though I'm not as successful as I want to be in my career. Granted, I am still relatively new at what I am doing, but I'm here... and the term "Fake it until you make it", has become my mantra. Except I don't want to fake it. I want to do. I want to be the best at this. I didn't realize how mentally taxing it is to listen to others and talk people through traumatic events. I am physically and emotionally drained by the time I leave every day.


I'm nervous about school and practicum and my schedule. I already work full time, and now I'm going to have to add 25 hours a week of unpaid time into my already stressful and crammed schedule.


I feel as though I'm lazy when I get home from work. Granted, I just want to sit after I get home because I'm so exhausted. I feel as though I have no time or energy left for my hobbies or housework. I have so much that I am behind on, but I cannot bring myself to leave the couch.


I'm slacking on taking care of myself. Granted, I quit smoking 7 weeks ago, which is AMAZING, but I've also put on about 10-15 lbs and haven't bothered to change my eating habits or exercise more. I believe that my weight gain has leveled out though. I can work on losing that now... eventually.


No one is the perfect wife, the perfect mother, however I feel so full of stress and anxiety, that I know that I am not doing the job that I am supposed to. So much of my time is filled with what I have to do, planning things out, that even when I have time to relax, I don't. Physically, yes. You can find me on weekends, on my couch, mindlessly watching movies. My head is not relaxing. My head is filled with all of the things I need to do, should be doing, and what I'm doing wrong. It's filled with thoughts of me second guessing myself, berating myself. It's never just relaxing.


Hopefully this age will bring me a case of the "fuck it's"... where I won't care so much about being the best, being perfect, being right. Hopefully I can learn to relax. To love myself. To take care of me, so that I can focus on what I need to do, the right way.


Let's hope 40 is better than the last 39 as far as learning to love me and treat myself the way I need to.

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