Rantings of a Grumpy Old Woman

" All of these lines across my face Tell you the story of who I am So many stories of where I've been And how I got to where I am" I've talked about age a few times on here, as its obviously something that had weighed on my mind in recent years. I was having a difficult time in life, coming to terms with the fact that I'm getting older. However, there is no denying that it's happening. It's going to happen to everyone. Circle of life.... your time will come. I have lines around my eyes....because I smiled and laughed a lot. I have my "what the fuck" lines between my eyes, because of people like you, gentle reader. The ones that make me stop and think "what the hell is the matter with you". I have lines around my mouth because I never stop talking, and I had a disgusting habit of smoking for 20 plus years. My hair is graying around the edges, letting everyone around me know that I'm getting on in my years. My skin is startin...

I probably should take it as flattery. I never really fancied myself as super interesting. I sporadically fill up these pages with my random thoughts and never think twice about it. I think so little about it in fact, that it's been over two years since I've posted anything. It's a weird feeling knowing that someone may actively seek out information about you and this is what they get. These odd, not to mention old, ramblings are not a genuine reflection of the person I am. It's disheartening to know that someone has made broad and sweeping assumptions about your history, past, and marriage based off of one heartfelt post that you made years prior. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you ever feel like a failure? Like nothing that you do is good enough? That nothing is going as it is supposed to? As it's planned? I know, I know, I sound like a surly and emotional teenager right now, but hey, I'm going through a mid-life crisis, so I have a pass. I turn 40 in 3 months. FORTY. I feel as though I have accomplished some of my goals, but I am lacking in so many others. I feel as though I'm not as successful as I want to be in my career. Granted, I am still relatively new at what I am doing, but I'm here... and the term "Fake it until you make it", has become my mantra. Except I don't want to fake it. I want to do. I want to be the best at this. I didn't realize how mentally taxing it is to listen to others and talk people through traumatic events. I am physically and emotionally drained by the time I leave every day. I'm nervous about school and practicum and my schedule. I already work full time, and now I'm going to h...

What to say, what to say. There have been so many dips and turns on this roller coaster that I don't even know where to begin. In the last 5 months... I became a grandmother... for a few weeks. My child was unexpectedly with child. There were so many ups and downs with the pregnancy, but one thing stayed the same, which was my excitement and joy over being able to welcome a new baby into our family. There were complications along the way, which resulted in ER visits. One visit clearly showed 2 sacs, so 2 babies! Next ultrasound showed just 1 baby developing with good size and healthy heartbeat. After that, there were no babies. The pregnancy ended, and it was the most difficult thing in the world to see my child suffer from heartbreak and loss. She went through surgery and had additional complications, but seems to be out of the woods now. The good news to come out of all of this, is that she is now convinced that she wants to be a mother... something that she swore she would ne...

At this point, I've taken many trips around the sun. I'm not elderly by any means, but I'm aging. Whether or not I'm doing it gracefully is still up for debate. There is a definite pattern here. My friends, friends of friends, my family, people are getting sick. People are meeting with unfortunate accidents. People are passing on. I feel like it's happening so often lately. It's heart wrenching. It takes your breath away. It makes you face your own mortality. Let's face it. I am not a healthy person. Each day, I wake up with a new ache or pain. A new symptom. A new problem. Each day, I wake up with good intentions... that I will ditch all of my horrible habits in favor of a healthier, life-sustaining lifestyle. Each night, I go to bed and realize that I did absolutely nothing to improve the quality of my life and give myself a better chance. I won't go into my unhealthy habits, but let's just say that there are an abundance. I want so badly to ma...

I wish my husband knew how important he is to me. I wish he knew exactly how much I love him. I wish he knew that my heart still skips a beat when he walks through the door. We all know what happens with time. We get comfortable. We find a routine. The day to day responsibilities of career, housework, social life, school, hobbies, bills, and trying to keep children alive, can take over. It's stressful, it's frustrating, it can be downright depressing at times, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love it. What I wish he knew, is that he helped to give me this life. He supports me in my career endeavors. He cheers me on when I want to take a new path in my career or work on improving my current one. He shows interest and enthusiasm when I start a new hobby, or get better at one that I currently have. He cleans up around the house and cooks fabulous meals. He makes sure that our child has attention, knowledge, and love. He never fails to ask me how my day was, or how...

***Posting again for those in the back row*** I wrote this a few years ago, but it's still relevant. I've lost over 100 lbs, and I still struggle so much with self esteem and self image. I try SO hard to not show that in front of my now 6 year old, who will likely be faced with her own sense of body image before too long. I need to work a little harder though. As of now, we don't use words like fat and skinny. We know that everyone has a different body type, and it doesn't matter as long as you are making healthy choices and "keeping your heart happy" by staying active. The scale has been relocated to the garage and out of sight. Sometimes... I slip though, and I may sigh when looking at myself in the mirror or get frustrated when something doesn't fit right. It's important to realize that everything you say and everything you do.. IS noticed, and does become a part of who your children become. Original post- 2013: Sometimes I'll catch Oli...

Age is nothing but a number... or so they say. In my case, well, in everyone's case, these numbers seem to be climbing at a rapid rate. Tomorrow marks another trip around the Earth for me, and I turn 39 years old. Thirty. Nine. I honestly never thought about aging much before. I never thought about what it would be like to be older and actually look or feel older. In my head, I'm still in my late teens/early twenties. When I look in the mirror, I still don't see a 39 year old woman... until I look closer. Upon closer inspection, I see the fine lines in my face. I can see the bunch of lines around my mouth. I see the collection of lines around my eyes. I see the wisps of gray hair that peek out while I'm in between root touch-ups with my hair dye. Not only can I see the tell-tale signs of aging, but I feel them as well. I feel as though my energy has dropped significantly... even worse than normal. I hear my joints crack and pop when I move after long periods, soundi...

I don't feel good. Ever. I feel like there is always something wrong. Some nagging feeling of malaise or random illness coursing through my body. Granted, I have had a lot of health issues within the last few years. A lot of procedures done. Just.. really random things between side effects of my WLS, to mouth problems, to hip surgery. I feel like I am too young to be falling apart like this. My birthday is next week, and I'm really getting up there in age. Like... really getting up there, and I feel every bit of it. However I know most of the reason that I feel like crap. I. Don't. Take. Care. Of. Myself. You see, this surgery that I had... the one that stripped away 110 lbs from my body, has been awesome. I have a fresh start, and the ability to take charge of my health and have full control over what I put in my body and what I do with it. However, I continue to defile it. I consistently pour soda down my throat. I snack on chips, cookies, whatever I can get my hand...

One post in the last 12 months. Ironically enough, it was about new years and resolutions that I had created and had hoped to keep. Want to take an educated guess at how many I kept? Let me save you the trouble. Approximately zero. I don't have a piano and had zero time to take lessons. I haven't focused my energy on school, I've just been going through the motions. I don't know what else I promised myself that I would do, but I'm sure I failed miserably. What I can tell you, is a little about where I am now however. I'm in school still. My second master's hasn't been as stressful as my first, but I just haven't focused as much as I want on it. My GPA is impressive given this fact, at a 3.75. I have about 8 months left and then I start my practicum. Once that's finished, I'll be a licensed counselor in the state of Arizona. Again though... going through the motions and not making a point to be more involved and receptive. Le...

     Here I sit, loving my new look, happy with myself, and completely full of shit. I'm throwing some soul baring shit out here y'all. Laying some truth on the line. Those of you closest to me... I'm not fooling anyone. You've known for a while.... I wear my heart on my sleeve. Those that I see sporadically or haven't yet met in person and spent time with, this may or may not be new information. I'm picturing Phoebe from Friends right now... "THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!!!!"      10 months ago, I made the decision to have a life-saving surgery for the ridiculous amounts of weight I had gained. True, we had a pretty crippling miscarriage that I didn't outwardly show grief over... I just ate my feelings. Quite a bit of them. Then I went and got my tubes ties, something... I completely and totally regret. It was also an automatic response... my brain trying to protect me or some crap... not wanting to go through a loss again, etc. Regardless, ho...

     Today marks my 6th official day as an employee of the state. My job title is case worker for the Department of Child Safety... or commonly known, social worker for CPS (child protective services). Regardless of the agency name or what people know it as, my job is to help children and families. Period.      Many people have their preconceived notions regarding what the organization does and its responsibilities. Basically, people think that I am the devil. They believe that I am out to remove their children from them for no reason, for things that are trivial and ridiculous. The fact of the matter is, it's not true. So far, I've come across a wide range of situations consisting of teenage runaways, physical abuse, neglect, addiction, sexual abuse, etc. I haven't had to delve too deep into it, but there are some disturbing things that I've read and seen so far.      Why would anyone want this job then, you ask? To make a difference... ...

     Each year when the clock strikes midnight on December 31, people kiss the ones they love, they sing Auld Lang Syne, and they participate in general debauchery. The liquor flows, the nicotine burns, the eating commences. Basically, every piss poor habit that a person feels that they may have, gets over indulged on this particular day and more than likely the last 30 or so days leading up to it.      New year, new me, right? I'm going to wake up somewhere between 8am and 6pm on January 1st, and I'm going to resolve to change things that I feel are bad. I'm going to drag my ass to the now overcrowded gym daily for about 2 or 3 weeks. Then I'll start finding excuses...I'll eat a few cheeseburgers. Yes, I've done this practically every year since I was old enough to understand I actually had faults (so, about 3 years ago, maybe). Each time, it was something about my health. I was going to quit smoking. I was going to go on a diet. I was going to work out ...

I'm sure my three year old came to that realization tonight and probably thought this sentence in her head. Tonight, we laid here, she cuddled me, and we had a snack and we watched tv. I pointed out things to her, sang songs with her, and we even did a little dance. The past few days, I have been focused entirely on her and my family. See, this weekend, I saw the video that has gone viral and everyone shared. A man with a 5 minute rhyming rant about people and cell phones. Ironically, I watched all five minutes of that video. On my smart phone. Ironic as it may have been, I believe that a lot of that hit home for me. My daughter is three already. Three. She's grown, in the blink of an eye, from a tiny newborn, completely dependent on me, to an independent toddler who fights to do everything herself. Before I realize it, she's going to be off to college and I will have lost my chance to know her, to help her, to teach her. From the time she was born, she has seen me on m...

So I did it.... A few weeks ago, I shakily walked my way across the stage, shook the hand of some old wrinkly rich person, and grabbed a rolled up piece up of paper that represented my degree. My actual degree came in the mail about two weeks later, all fancy in its faux leather case. But now what? I should have done this ten years ago. I shouldn't be thirty five years old, still struggling with the age old question of "what do I want to do with my life?". I honestly have no freaking clue. For years, I had this idea in my head of what I wanted to do, and I tirelessly worked towards that goal. Now, here I am. I've achieved it. Now I sit here and I'm completely and utterly lost. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be a counselor that specializes in addictions and help those who are struggling to make positive life changes in order to be a functioning member of society. For those who may not know, for new friends.... here's a revelation.... I've be...

When I first met my husband, I made sure that I was presentable. I did my best to look as good as I possibly could (or as good as someone covered in tattoos and pink hair could look). I took pride in my appearance, even if it was just lounging around the house. I had very few responsibilities at that point, except for my 14 year old daughter who didn't require much attention. :) Now, I'm a mother to a teenager and a toddler. I work full time. I go to school full time. I have somewhat of a side business. I'm busy. Constantly. I have a routine for when I leave the house in the morning. Many women spend a while to get ready for work or for their day. They care about how they look and want to show the world that they are put together and beautiful. I wake up, and leave the house within 15 minutes in the morning. Having showered and laid out my clothes the night before, I brush my teeth, pull on my clothes and deodorant, grab my lunch, and run out of the door. My hair is hasti...

What I "wanted" was to write some witty, insightful, and moving post today. However, I will not. I don't feel good, I'm exhausted from hearing my toddler wake up crying all night, going to lay with her for a while, and then still hearing the crying off and on. I'm also mentally drained from going as fast as I can to get my powerpoint presentation completed for class today. I just want to go back to bed. That's what I want.

I hear people say it often. "Where does the time go?" Followed by the obligatory "Enjoy this time with your kids because before you know it, they'll be grown and on their own". You hear those things, and you shrug them off. You think, I've got plenty of time. Plenty of years..... I am enjoying it. It's cute when your babies hit all of their milestones. They have their first bite of "real" food.They start crawling and climbing, and eventually running around your house wreaking havoc. Next thing you know, they're off starting preschool and kindergarten. You cry on that day, because your "baby" is growing up and you're so proud of all they have learned and accomplished thus far. Then they're off to middle school. They're making friends, developing personalities. They start needing you less and less, and you start feeling hopeless and less needed. They start high school and you can see the person they are starting to b...

I’m sure many of you have seen this image online. Whether it be Pinterest, Facebook, or various other social media sites. What kind of feelings do you have when you look at this? My first reaction was….Yay curves! I’m a bigger girl, so everyone should accept me and find me attractive for who I am. I should be considered normal and that’s what every man should be attracted to. I’m not a small by any means, nor have I ever been. I have had my moments where I got down to an acceptable weight and my BMI was within “normal” range. Although, thin and Ellie have never been mentioned in the same sentence. I looked at the pic again and let the words sink in. “Real men”….. what is a REAL man? I thought all men were real. I didn’t realize that those who dated thin girls were androids or creepy Martians from outer space who tried so hard to blend in as humans while walking around Earth. Then I thought… this picture is trying to say that thin people are unattractive and can’t possible by w...